Buying Antiques Gifts

"It's an antique stand. Do you use it for anything?" "Yes. Norman and I have sex on it every Thursday."

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

Southwark Fair.

Second hand furniture.

'My luck, I buy a bottle of wine from 450 B.C. and it's still five years from reaching maturity.'

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

'They look more up to date than the ones in your tool-box.'

"Oh, wow! Is that stunning or what?" "Mid-century classic. Should be in a museum. Let's pee on it." "Totally."

Trilby - 'Je prong!'

Abandoning the computer for a typewriter.

Sundial Time

A hammer in his den enjoying a cigar and port with his collection of trophy thumbs above his head.

Fossil record player.

"The previous tenant was a bit of a shut-in."

'When I met him he was all bright and shiny - now he's a rust bucket.'

Dynasties - Ping, Ching, Ming.

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'

You had me at vintage.

'This seems like a good time to get rid of some of the king's junk.'

Antiques

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'I'd like to match this credenza.'

The First Printed Bible

'It's an antique!'

"Midtown Vinyl. Vintage albums + EPs. Midtown Ink. Vintage books + newspapers."

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

Riverboat 4 Square Hustlers

'This is a letter opener, from the days before faxes and email. I just sold it online after I listed it as a vintage communication device.'

Estate Sale! All the stuff my kids said they don't want to inherit.

"Attention, everyone! I'd like to introduce the newest member of our family."

'We always like to give more bling for the buck.'

'This book is so rare it's never been published.'

A mummy, in police tape, chases a police officer.

'Who are you kidding? This is a wind-up isn't it!'