Business Jesters Gifts

"I'm afraid I'm patenting you."

'Your request for a motorcycle as your company car was rejected. However, I'm not totally unreasonable. Enjoy!'

"So you've been here three years. Just what is your name? I need it for the downsizing list."

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

Business books - Who's Who & Who's Downsized sections.

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'And I'm happy to say, that since the merger...'

'I play so hard that I have no time to work hard.'

Sign - Halt manager crossing

'I'm sorry, but everyone is in a meeting.'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"...but the big question is, does the competition know that we don't know what we don't know?"

"I hate performance review season."

"Remember...when the going gets tough...DELEGATE!"

'What's wrong now?'

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

Career Choices

'Before we starnt, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

"Dear, did something happen at the office?"

"Best project manager we ever had."

"Wait, you're firing me?! But I was Time magazine’s Person of the Year!"

Under new blame.

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

'I don't think the employees like me.'

'And finally. . . where do you see yourself on the food chain 5 years from now?'

Corporate departments as a metaphor for growing up.

'So, now we have ascertained who is responsible...'

"I think we're all agreed that we need to focus 110% on meeting strategic corporate goals."