Business Humorists Gifts

'As you both know, here at Frump, Cuttle and Howsen, failure is not an option, so that only leaves blame.'

"Today the secret ingredients for Mom's Apple Pie were sold to the Japanese for sixty-eight million dollars."

Shareholder's Meetings

'...and so you see our profits, not unlike Sir Isaac Newton, have felt the effects of gravity.'

People often have us confused with investment bankers. We loot and plunder, leaving a mess wherever we go, and when there are complaints we claim endangered species status.

Stan's OK Deliveries

'It's the final step in the merger...deciding which of the will be CEO.'

'Then someone hit on the idea of selling our torture devices to fitness centers.'

"Members of the board, my indecision is final."

"Generics of generics -- that's the way we'll go."

'I hired a motivational speaker once, but unfortunately all of my employees left to get better jobs.'

'Chief, thanks again for that little 'self-starter' talk followed by a mild electric shock.'

'Are these numbers for real, or are you just yanking my chain?'

"Relax. We're market fundamentalists."

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

Spot the difference.

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."