Business Comedy Fan Gifts

"You regulators are never satisfied. You wanted more transparency, so we put more windows in the building."

"I'm starting an open door policy..." "But the bottom half is locked!"

"Forty years' loyal service—I'm taking him to lunch."

"There may be honour among thieves, but we're businessmen."

Bum Considering Merger Proposals.

NOW HIRING SECRETARY: 'Oh, what the heck - typing is overrated anyway.'

Headless chicken CEO.

Hidden Agenda

"I'm sorry, Ron, but the benefit of a doubt is no longer a part of our Employee Total Compensation Plan."

"I thought that running a giant pyramid scheme out of my office was okay as long as I did it on my own time."

"The customer is always right . . . but you're a client!"

"Looks like we found the issue."

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

Spot the difference.

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"Your mother called to remind you to diversify."

'Can he call you back? He's taking time to stop and smell the profits.'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'Our problem is how to lower quality while raising prices...'

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'