Browsing Humor Gifts

"I remember the days of skim, 1% and even 2%. Now, it's right to the whole milk section."

"Yo, Eunice – don’t leave me hangin’."

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

'Kix? Yes, Ma'am -- you can get your Kix on aisle 66.'

Ruddy bloggers!

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

All this pressure to be the perfect storm...

Allergy Information: May contain traces of nuts, soya, child bones.

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

Apricots

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

'Before we staqrt biting do you practice catch and release?'

Dog training

"You have a really lousy sense of humor."

"No, I said to swab the deck!"

"You might want to get that fly off your face."

'You can hit out of the trap or take a 2 stroke penalty.'

Mister Oedipus.

'...and don't think I didn't see that flying tackle.'

"First of all, kudos on landing a corner office."

"We never talk about anything. 'Me Tarzan, you Jane. Me Tarzan, you Jane.' That's all he ever says."

"Sure, I may be over the top, but at least I'm not underhanded like him!"

'I sort of drifted into this...I always wanted to do children's gymkhanas.'

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

Psychiatry. I keep thinking the same bad thoughts over and over! An "emotional baggage carousel"!

'I perched on Blackbeard's shoulder for three years, then went to work for Long-John Silver...'

"In school I got punished for copying, yet now it's all I'm asked to do."

"Of course I'm self-absorbed. I'm a sponge!"

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

"Yes, I know darling, getting a sore throat is bad: it really hurts to swallow..."

"Would you mind if my new friend Ted joins us?

'Hey Dave, check out the kinky underwear this chick is taking on her trip!'

How can you read that comic strip Blondie? Its about a kinder, simpler time. It's about ancient history. They do the same material over and over. Exactly. I can count on it. Not like your stupid Pearls and Get fuzzy. Oooh, look how angry and edgy they are. They're sooo clever! Your whole gig is being angry and edgy. Look, I'm setting Candorville on fire.