Broadsheet Lover Gifts

'Normally I don't like a newspaper because of its pictures.'

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

Trump! The Musical

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

'There he goes, the bravest M&A knight that our kingdom has ever known.'

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

Downward arrow on progress chart goes through the floor: 'OK, I know this doesn't look good ...'

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

I've checked - it goes down to the basement.

"That's more like it Perkins..!!"

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

"Will you stop saying 'ouch' every time I cut something out of your budget?"

Macho talk from down in accounting.

Paris, 1922, George Gershwin and Franz Kafka try to write a musical.

"Well in our defence we did get the numbers right they were just in the wrong order!"

"I hate check writing, but, hey, it pays the bills."

"Now the board will hear from Todd from Accounting with his free verse composition 'My Mistress, Brash and Beguiling – the Third Quarter Numbers.'"

"I'll need some distracting hilarity on the borders of my quarterly report."

"It was so depressing. When I go to the theatre, I want to be entertained."

"Oh, that three billion dollars."

'I'm important to note we really are trying hard.'

'For people to think we just pluck figures out of THIN AIR is RIDICULOUS, we use a bucket.'

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"

Sunday.

'I'm here about the tax credits for business equipment which you listed in your return as 'Betty', 'Mabel', 'Liz'...'

"You can go home now, Barmpot - we've balanced."

J W D Butterworth chief accountant - Pin-stripes made of numbers