Breakup Artist Gifts

"Well, goodbye, Emily. It's May 19th. You may remember my having mentioned some time ago that I was going to leave you on May 19th."

I don't understand why you get so many chicks and I can't get the time of day. I'm a professional. I spend hours studying the craft, working on technique, and I never take rejection personally. Whenever a chick turns me down, I look at it simply as test marketing. And when they say yes? A chance to work on my breakup technique.

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"She loves you... yeah... yeah... yeah..."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"I can't believe he brought her."

The prying mantis,

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

When Love In The Laboratory Turns Sour.

'I don't like Gerald as a person, but I like him as a concept.'

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

"The next dance will be ladies' choice."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

Blues artis's daily list

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

'Your switching to Scotch? And after I've given you the best beers of my life!'

"Don't take this the wrong way, Howard, but I'd like to go back to having an on-line relationship."

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

"It could never work between us."