Brace Face Humorist Gifts

"I used to have buck teeth. Now I have 5,000-buck teeth."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"What other tricks does he need?"

"There's only the four of us. I hope you like doo-wop."

'Now that's what I call rejection.'

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

'Tony can't come out to play now, he's on his orthodontopole!'

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

"We interrupt C.B.S.'s evening news with a special bulletin from N.B.C.!"

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

"My husband wanted me to get a boob job, so I became a stand-up comedian."

'Your left ventricle doesn't know what your right ventricle is doing.'

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

"I like a diet rich in surfers."

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

"Fetch and roll over weren't enough-then they sent me to philosophy classes."

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

'He's clever alright-just watch him dry up when it's HIS round!'

'I'd like a brandy please...'

"Is that true love or what? My masters are vegetarians, but they still buy me juicy bones..."

'. . . however, in the brand-new global ball-game of macro-economics we blah blah blather blah. . .'

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

"Wow, 27, not bad! Me, I've ruined 53 surfing competitions..."

"Oh, are you attacking from home today?"

'Jill, come take a look at Mr. Bolinder's EKG!'

Why don't we wait until we know each other better before I tell you how I got the name 'Humpty'.

'I'm having what he's having.'

"Wow, that's amazing! I've only been to this bar once before. I'm surprised you remembered my round!"

People talking through a stethoscope.

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

'Two pints of blonde please.'