Brace Face Humorist Gifts

"I used to have buck teeth. Now I have 5,000-buck teeth."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"What other tricks does he need?"

"There's only the four of us. I hope you like doo-wop."

'Now that's what I call rejection.'

'Tony can't come out to play now, he's on his orthodontopole!'

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

"My husband wanted me to get a boob job, so I became a stand-up comedian."

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

"We interrupt C.B.S.'s evening news with a special bulletin from N.B.C.!"

'Your left ventricle doesn't know what your right ventricle is doing.'

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

"I like a diet rich in surfers."

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

"Fetch and roll over weren't enough-then they sent me to philosophy classes."

"Wow, 27, not bad! Me, I've ruined 53 surfing competitions..."

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

'I'd like a brandy please...'

'He's clever alright-just watch him dry up when it's HIS round!'

'. . . however, in the brand-new global ball-game of macro-economics we blah blah blather blah. . .'

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

"Is that true love or what? My masters are vegetarians, but they still buy me juicy bones..."

"Oh, are you attacking from home today?"

'I'm having what he's having.'

"Wow, that's amazing! I've only been to this bar once before. I'm surprised you remembered my round!"

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

'Two pints of blonde please.'

People talking through a stethoscope.

"Well, Charles, it wasn't a 'pesky little wasp,' it was a hummingbird."

"As this is our first date, perhaps I should tell you that I participate in several frequent liar programmes."