Bored-in-court Buff Gifts

The Scones-Monkey Trial. I, Judge Sadie, am prepared to rule. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Intelligent design versus evolution. Borrrinnng. That is my legal finding. Appeal. Will all bipeds please rise.

I love Lawyers

'Normally, I hate a rush to judgement - but I'm doing this case pro bono.'

"I object!" "Overruled!"

"I've learned something in this trial. My firm needs to hire that prosecutor."

"This is my client's videotaped deposition—please be considerate and rewind after viewing."

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

"Well, heck! If all you smart cookies agree, who am I to dissent?"

"I've asked you not to overrule me in front of the children."

"In a just world we'd have 'No Lawyer Left Behind'."

The Birth of a Lawsuit

Pre-Minstrel Tension

'The Grand Jury doesn't understand me...'

'Don't blame the lawyer!'

"...And the court awards you twenty five thousand for the loss of faculty in your right arm."

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

'At first it was a few dollars here and a few dollars there. Then I realized I'd have to pay my lawyer.'

Say what? Johnnie Cochran died in 2005?

'Every day, I'm suing better and better...'

'He followed me home, Mom. Can I sign him to a five-year, $80-million contract?..'

"I'm popping out for a tinkle."

RBG, RGB, CMYK

"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to sue, and he'll eat for a lifetime."

Criminal Stupidness

A Lawyer's Closing Arguments Wins the Support of the Jury

AMERICAN CIVIL LIBERTIES UNION ACLU, HELP TAKE A BITE OUT OF LAW, 'I like it!'

There's no such thing as "The Fruit Basket Defense." By any chance, are you referring to "The Fruit of the Poisonous Tree"? That's evidence that was obtained by an illegal action and must be considered inadmissible. Yeah! What you said!!!

"Not guilty, Your Honor, on the basis of a previously undiagnosed and untreated case of Integrity Deficit Disorder!"

Judge

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

'Great. Another trainee lawyer.'

"This is a complex matter, we can't keep repeating 'Possession is nine tenths of the law' at the judge."

Truth, Justice, Equality and Public Relations

'Your Honor, my client is incontinent to stand trail...'

'Being granted immunity doesn't include not having to pay my bill.'