Book Pretender Gifts

"As you can see from the books behind me, I pretend to read a lot of books."

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

'My manuscript is available for download on the internet. I'll email the link to you.'

"You notice all the books behind me...one of these days I'll get around to read one."

"It all started when I didn't grow up in a palatial estate."

"You need more info? Listen, son, our ancestors faked it, I fake it, and by gawd, it's time you learned to fake it."

Parisian Misguided Tours.

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

Plagiarism

"Our only hope is that the book gets banned."

Kid sweeps dirt under his junk on the floor.

Pretentious man reads Culture supplement, saying: 'I don't know much about art but I know what to pretend to like.'

The Artificial Intelligentsia

"Because we're jerks."

'Don't worry, I'm just here to promote my book.'

On 'Friends Reunited' everyone can claim to be a front page maodel for GQ Magazine.

'I have high hopes of Wisden knocking the Da Vinci code off the top of the best sellers list.'

'I can't come to work today. I'm in bed with a nasty, little bug.'

"Whoever he is, he has season tickets."

"I can't go to school today, Mom . . . I'm running a low-grade spring fever."

"I always drink from a travel mug. It makes me feel like I'm out of the house."

"Have you seen my toothbrush dearest?"

Meet the author of his own misfortune.

'The games console has saved us a fortune in holidays. We told him we were seeing the pyramids but we were actually in Skegness. He didn't notice.'

"Well, no, but I always rooted for them."

"This book can't be very sophisticated...I understood it right away."

"Feel free to ask me anything, dear - I'm an open book."

'How to survive chapter 11.'

Book on selling.

BOOKSHOP, 'Do you have 'Books for Dummies'?' 'Well, duh!'

"Sales of your book has been slow. We've decided to put it out on video."

"On your CV it says you get the Nobel Prize for 'being spectacular', I didn't know there was one for that!"

What's that? It's my second published book. It's called "The Official Biography of Rudy Park, the Loser Who Allegedly Works at My Local Café and Spends All His Free Time Doing Nothing on the Internet." It's just a bunch of empty pages. I know. Very meta, right?

"I knew it - He's just plugging another self-help book!"

'How's the novel?'