Plant Pretender Gifts

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

Award Winning Gardener

'That morning, nature got to work early...'

'She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me...'

"It all started when I didn't grow up in a palatial estate."

"As you can see from the books behind me, I pretend to read a lot of books."

"Yes, I'm sure some child in Brussels won't starve if you eat his sprouts."

'Boy, plastic flowers these days are so lifelike: I've been fooled again...'

Technical Terms Explained: Suckers.

"You need more info? Listen, son, our ancestors faked it, I fake it, and by gawd, it's time you learned to fake it."

'You and I are going to have a long talk when I get you home.'

The vegan hunter

Florist delivers Cactus to Man on Bed of Nails

"I dread these W.I. meetings

'What kind of bulbs did you put in here?'

"Aren't those dead flowers fake?"

"Bretheren and Sistern out there in Congregational Land!"

Plagiarism

Pretentious man reads Culture supplement, saying: 'I don't know much about art but I know what to pretend to like.'

Three Circles of Gardener's Hell.

"I'm just planting invasive species this year. Let them kill each other."

"Here, try this anti-dandruff fertiliser my gardener recommended."

A Cactus warning His friends to put their branches up while a Human passes by.

"Of course, in life he was allergic to them."

'Don't worry - it's made entirely from soya-based meat substitute.'

Alice became the first person in history to be beatend to death with 'vegetarian turducken'."

Walk right in. Sit right down.

"Well, no, but I always rooted for them."

Come a little closer my dear feathered friend.

Attend to wall climbers...clear out exhausted annuals.

the spitting cactus...

"Don't bother. Everything is artificial."

"On your CV it says you get the Nobel Prize for 'being spectacular', I didn't know there was one for that!"

Growing seed packets

Cull people who like plastic plants.