Boastful Buddy Pillows

"Tonight: date with an angel: gonna meet her at seven: be on my way to heaven. Get the picture, Bob?"

"Pfff, eating homework is nothing! My mum eats the clothes off the clothes line..."

Peach flirting with a banana.

"I think it stopped breathing."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!"

Excess Baggage: You send emails from exotic places just to make your friends jealous.

'Come on dear, don't be shy: This little she-chameleon just wants to play...'

'Ted, isn't it about time you sorted out your deer-gut?'

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

"Sure, it may be great for us, but it's hell on the markets."

"Don’t worry. You’re looking at the Frederick H. Tuttle Middle School long-jump champion."

'If you're worried what to say you do for a living at your reunion, just tell them you recently bought a large stake in a local brewery.'

"'Ere, mate - you look like a right muppett..!"

'You say the pains in my left leg are caused by old age. But doctor my right leg is just as old and it doesn't hurt at all!'

'Sure you always catch bigger fish than me. Your arms are a foot longer than mine.'

'It was a gift.'

'Oh yeah, well, MY DADDY can scare ELEPHANTS!'

'I don't know much about Art, but i can tell you all about his wife.'

"When's the last time you shaved, little buddy?"

'Bragging at the Old Physicists' & Old Writers' Home.'

"When life gives me lemons, I know twenty-six ways to kill a man with a lemon."

'Did you spill my pint?'

'Do you know the Lincolnshire poacher?'

'Blah, blah, blah....'

"You know all the best pubs for lunch, Seamus."

"I tell the truth, and sometimes it's funny."

'You're nuts! It isn't any hotter than usual so quit brining up global warming!'

Albatross bragging about his latest catch...

"Oh, we have a special hell for triathletes. It's just like regular life, except you can't talk about your triathlons."

'And that's only the size of the fly.'

'This should come out just right.'

'What's the point of having a luxury car if you put it in the garage at night?'

"Touché, Roy. A snappy riposte will be winging its way to you as soon as possible."