Boastful Banter Enthusiast Pillows

'Bragging at the Old Physicists' & Old Writers' Home.'

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure."

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

"Don’t worry. You’re looking at the Frederick H. Tuttle Middle School long-jump champion."

"What do you mean, I hardly moved all night? I was constantly dancing around politics, religion and the weather."

The Art of Bantering!

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

You look lovely tonight. It's a good think the coat-check girl let me check my thought balloons. !!

A lesson in wit

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

"Let's go bowling and keep on bowling until the people who regulate bowling say it isn't bowling any more!"

"I don't know—my gut tells me I should have another beer."

"Yeah, I know why you pulled me over. But, c'mon. I'm down to half a pack a day and I'm tryin' to quit."

'Do you mean I leave a lot to be desired bad, or a lot to be desired good?'

'Have I told you how absolutely lovely you look today?'

"I was listening at the door and I overheard the nickname they have for me."

'Sorry, I only drink still wines. I don't have the patience to wait for bubbles to pop.'

'You're looking well.'