Blue Screen Survivor Gifts

Human Error, Stupid (computers)

"Sorry, I'm preaching again. Why don't we pause for a moment while I pass around the collection plate."

'And in conclusion.'

That's not the reaction I was going for. Let me try to put a different spin on it.

Frank was famous for his anti-inflammatory rhetoric.

'What a day! My secretary was out, our biggest customer canceled a large order, the computer broke down, I didn't have any lunch, and leaving work I got stuck for an hour in the elevator with an 18 year old nympho with big breasts!'

"Mom, what's the password to access dad?"

"No you are not ok! Tell me what's wrong! You've been sitting for two minutes without checking your phone!"

"Thanks for the offer... but I'd rather see if tech support can get my computer running."

"It's a weak pilot, but, if your stick with it, by Season 3 you grow completely numb to the show's quality and just keep hitting Next Episode."

... and I'd suggest you take more frequent breaks from your computer.

"It just doesn't seem right. Ever since the new system upgrade nothing is where it used to be!"

"Whatever the politicians might decide, I'm well prepared because I've got enough hate comments for the next five years!"

Bored Meeting

'He's not hurt. He's just really, really cold.'

"Is this the queue for Funworld?"

"I took two lessons before I released my first album."

MR. CRENSHAW, TIME FOR OUR TELECONFERENCE

'I'm switching to another provider,dear.'

"Thanks, but do you have anything stronger than 'have a nice day'?"

'And that pretty much sums it up.'

"What makes you think you have cabin fever?"

"That's just great! The boat sank and it's hide tide. What else could go wrong?!"

'I had a really bad day at work! . . . I was expecting it to be utterly horrific. . . but in the end it was just really bad. . . My cracked glass is half full!'

Terms and Conditions

Why they're called 'bullet points'.

A holiday maker greets a castaway

'I said, now I know why they call you 'Lucky'!'

'I would like to find at least ONE bar that isn't a meat market.'

"This insanity app is really driving me crazy."

"Today's training will be mainly about how to pretend to stay awake and interested while watching a really dull presentation."

"I can honestly say I feel really refreshed after that presentation. I slept all the way through it!"

"I'm raising four kids, a husband, three pets and I work. This is nothing."

"Relax, eventually the scar will disappear!"

"It's the latest internet challenge, 30 mins no screen time."