Billboard Humor Lovers Gifts

Pince-Nez for the Whole Family

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Children's Parties

'Maybe we should have gone for a pommel horse.'

"Maybe the next one will be a singles cruise."

Life is for the birds.

"They're wearing cameras. How humiliating."

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

"I'm not having it if it's been genetically modified."

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

Cow Pinatas

'Santa recalled thousands of toys ― he delivered them to kids who're in fact naughty.'

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

Einstein's T-Shirt reads: My Wife Doesn't Understand Me.

Naturally, Bob thought the midwife was for him.

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

True confessions.

"I know we just met, but all I got is a twenty-four-hour pass!"

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

Lesser known greek gods,

Christmas in the Fish Bowl

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

Xena: Warrior Princess, TV star, professional volleyball player.

'...and so you see our profits, not unlike Sir Isaac Newton, have felt the effects of gravity.'

'Congratulations! You've just downloaded a baby boy.'

'It's called 'cause and effect.' I pound this log and Tarzan goes bananas.'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'What's the big deal about acid rain? Can't we just make alkaline rain to counteract it?'

'Well,he certainly has his father's nose!'

Too much togetherness can lead to unexpected problems.

Joe's 'Take Responsibility For Your Own Actions' Bar.

"Buzz off, Fly-boy. We don't need more accessories."

I'm accused of kicking you in the womb, but your evidence is purely circumstantial. Lawyer baby.

Feedback card for lions eating their prey.

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."