Bible Chuckler Gifts

'Let us now turn to the Gospel According to St. Matthew for today's sob story.'

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

Where 'Pastor'-ized Milk Comes From...

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"Your mom needs to know that you made it here OK, and your dad wants to know if you could use a few bucks."

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Sermon - why our religion is really better than yours.

'Golly, is it that time already?'

Employees must cleanse souls before returning to work.

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

'I'm all tired out from creating - let's just use NATURAL selection from now on.'

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

"I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon."

"Actually, they all look alike to me."

'Look, Brother Timothy - a sign from God!'

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas."

"We learned in Sunday School about how Cain whacked Abel."

"...lettuce pray."

Sunday School. Strange --- Apples were forbidden, but apparently fried foods were okay.

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."

"A reading from the ax of the apostles."

'I always thought that church mouse thing was just a figure of speech.'

Various Birds of Pray.

"Turn to page 12 for our non-binary singalong."

"I was in purgatory only briefly and they've been sending me email newsletters ever since."

"Hey, this is a good bit- did I say that?"

"That was a good sermon...but I'd have settled for a soundbite."

"Well...this constant badness is just sooo wearisome...."

'Today's sermon is on the Gospel according to old Saint Matt....'