Benefits Skeptic Gifts

"We can't offer you the satisfaction of a gratifying career, but how does a paid week off and dental sound?"

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

'What sort of mission statement is that?'

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

'Oh don't listen to him! Norman wasn't a motivational guru... he was just that cat in those silly 'hang in there' posters.'

"Most of us get around the company motto by saying 'No can do' instead!"

"You atheists wouldn't exist without God!"

'Would you believe it took 60 people and a half a million dollars to come up with that?'

"Didn't I warn you about buying medication from the internet?!"

That should get you motivated.

"I forget. If I have an adverse reaction, do I call my doctor or my lawyer?"

"I'm starting to prefer the ones who don't believe in me."

'Don't believe everything you read.'

'Side effects include, headache, dry mouth, muscle fatigue and turning into a frog.'

'Sorry...I don't do hugs!'

"Have you been trying to fix this yourself."

Thinking of throwing the 'Think' sign into the garbage.

"I wish your temperature told the real truth about you."

"These have severe side effects but they may not have enough time to bother you."

Find the failed CEO who got a 200 million dollar bonus while being fired.

"Here's a great software update. It lets me delete all the features that I didn't want from the last update."

Boss: 'Speak up Smythe, I know you've got an opinion, I told you what it was in my email this morning!'

The first meeting.

"If at first you don't succeed is not company policy, Anderson."

'Such a small bonus.'

Standup Pharmacist

PERSONNEL, 'Your resume has everything but verisimilitude.''

'And just what studies show that losing weight causes global warming?'

"So if I'm to understand you correctly, this 'engineered athletic footwear' with its 'extended torsion system' is also a sneaker?"

"Somehow these awards are seeming less special."

'Lincoln Standardized Test Center - formerly Lincoln High School'

'I blame the internet.'

Ex-Banker: Can you spare the price of a cup of tea? Anything else is a bonus.

"When Daddy goes by, make sure he can see how bored we are."