Bedside Banter Fan Gifts

'I'm referring you to a specialist who isn't as afraid to die as I am.'

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

'We've got a special this week on nose hairs!'

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

'Instead of 'You're entering a world of pain', try 'This won't hurt a bit.''

'It's called a bedSIDE manner, Doctor.'

"I assure you I do appreciate what you're feeling."

"Well done Carson! This could be the answer to our bed shortage problems!"

'You're listening to no repeat radio where we never play the same song twice! Yeah! No repeat radio! Where you'll never hear the same song twice! Only on no repeat radio!'

"Of course I'm listening to your expression of spiritual suffering. Don't you see me making eye contact, striking an open posture, leaning towards you and nodding emphatically."

"What I drink and what I tell the pollsters I drink are two different things."

"Yeah, I'm selling my bowling balls. Free delivery to anyone who lives downhill."

"Honey are you asleep?" "I am now."

"So when you said you were a bee keeper..."

"It was meant as a compliment. In my eyes, you're a real pig."

Can you feel the electricity in the air?...

Propriety

He's a brilliant doctor, but his bedside manner needs work…

'Actually, you're my second patient if you count that cadaver in med school.'

'So...your Bowel or mine?' / A male tapeworm using a pick-up line on a female tapeworm

The Forgotten Men's Club

"I've got a patient who needs to chat to someone...Have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communication with patients in a personal, supportive but not disempowering' course?"

"Oh year?! Well, MY daddy is the largest of the largest animal species on earth!"

You throw poop like a girl.

"The doctor is a little squeamish, so don't mention anything gross."

"It looks like the internal bleeding should - I'm sorry. It's taking everything in my power not to tickle you right now."

"That's kingsize?"

'Quit the act? That's not you, boss--that's the drink talking.'

"Mine's a metaphor. I don't know what's going on withyou."

"I've a patient who needs a 'chat'...have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communications with patients in a lighthearted, supportive but not disempowering manner' course?"

"I'm recommending a transplant. I'm transplanting you to another hospital."

Chemistry Trash Talk: 'I heard your mama thinks Pasteurized milk was named for Louis Pasteurize.'

Hunting Party in the Highlands.

Look at you. The vacant stare

'If she's dead i get the bed okay!?'