Bedroom Enthusiast Pillows

"It all came down to sheets – we just couldn’t agree on a thread count."

Twin Beds. Siamese Twin Beds.

"They're exactly the same, except in Hell you have to put on your own duvet cover."

'We'll take it!'

'He's always wanted an adjustamatic.'

"Normally I wouldn't take any notice of all these ads on how to improve my performance in the bedroom..."

"Most of the time it's 'Me Tarzan, you Jane', until we get into the bedroom. Then he's all, 'You Tarzan, Me Jane'."

'That's her second pitcher and she doesn't even like beer - I guess she just likes to pee.'

"How much?! Blimey, to get my money's worth, I'd need to use it EVERY WEEK!"

"They'd run out of nurses' uniforms..."

Tedious Romantic.

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

"Milk does a body good but champagne does it better!"

The Tragedy of Prosperity

"What should I wear to the living room today?"

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"Looks like Billy clogged up the toilet again."

'The marriage counselor didn't save our marriage. The plumber and the second bathroom saved our marriage.'

Wine Lovers

"Dang it."

"The marriage counselor didn't save our marriage. The plumber with the second bathroom saved our marriage."

We're all litigation crazy. Last week I had to sue my wife for joint custody of the closet.

"Don't worry son. We're going to get you the best money that medicine can buy."

"That? - oh my husband - a closet bricklayer."

S&M Lovers, "Not tonight dear... I haven't got a headache."

"The Firminator. One inch of foam over cement blocks."

'I guess you two won't be reading the Kama Sutra again.'

'Don't hurt it.'

"Skip the job description and tell me how clean and well-lighted your bathrooms are!"

Colin's GPS was to prove useless at finding Maureen's 'G' spot.

'I agree, 'Fifty Shades of Grey' is a boring title for a book about home decorating, but I'm getting some great ideas for the bedroom!'

'Have you considered a second bathroom?'

For Sale. And, of course, there's a roomy walk-in closet.

Extremes meet - A very tall guest is shown to a short bed.

'Check out my new bed: Titanium frame, extra firm mattress... Should last for years...'