Bedroom Competitor Gifts

"Wow! I think you just moved up in the playoffs, Tom!"

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

"I think I need an extra pillow."

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"Most of the time it's 'Me Tarzan, you Jane', until we get into the bedroom. Then he's all, 'You Tarzan, Me Jane'."

"Milk does a body good but champagne does it better!"

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

"What is it about a tee shirt cannon that says 'foreplay' to you?"

"No, playing fantasy football doesn't count as exercise. No wonder you pulled a muscle getting up on the table."

"They're exactly the same, except in Hell you have to put on your own duvet cover."

'We'll take it!'

"I don't need to get out of bed, ma - I programmed an app to live my life for me."

Wine Lovers

'Sir! We're all doomed! It's a fitted sheet! How can we ever hope to stop something we can't even fold?!'

"This next song is for all the music teachers who said I'd never make it."

Father cuts the legs off of bed to solve the 'monster under the bed problem.'

Food Cooked. Nerves raw.

"Are we there yet?"

"Normally I wouldn't take any notice of all these ads on how to improve my performance in the bedroom..."

'Let's at least give the parabolic mattress a try - the Thompsons swear it saved their marriage.'

"To quote my broker, 'Past results are no guarantee of future performance.'"

S&M Lovers, "Not tonight dear... I haven't got a headache."

"This new adjustable mattress really does stop your snoring!"

'I guess you two won't be reading the Kama Sutra again.'

Colin's GPS was to prove useless at finding Maureen's 'G' spot.

Sex Games of the Married

'Sorry to bother you Mr Hellerman, but do you think you could just pop in and change the channel?'

A dog locks a man out and sleeps in his bed.

"No more getting up and having to go to the kitchen for a midnight snack."

A couple look at a graph on their bed

'OK, the bedspread doesn't do it for you. What's your formula for arousal?'

Sleep-Eez Bedding

'Your performance in bed?...On technical merit of artistic impression?'

'It's just a silly old saying...you don't need bug repellent.'