Beauty Contest Satirist Gifts

The return of Miss Subways

Man posing on beach as women ignore him.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Sebum! I think you'll love this property on the left side of the chin. It's a wonderful place to start a pimple."

The caricature of Dorian Gray

Toilet roll beauty tips.

Classical Beauty: "My secret is to eat lots of olive-skinned men."

"Your eyebrows are beautiful, darling. I know you hate drawing them on."

'The secret to great abs? Marker pen.'

'Julie,has anyone told you how beautiful you look today? If so send them in for an eye test straight away!'

" ... because this job is dangerous enough without having to worry about dry, flaky skin."

'I would appreciate if your young lady waited for you up the road,Wilkins.'

"No matter how much I workout, my arms still look sticks."

Lady Macbeth in the morning

Woman wearing Miss 1977 sash: 'Things pretty much went downhill from there.'

Toupee shop showcases hairy head covering.

"I'm not really tan. I've had my head in the oven."

'Saline implants? That'd kill you! I'd take anything Rick says with a grain of salt- But I suppose that'd kill you too.'

'And I'm'm not coming out of there 'til I'm amber!'

'Don't worry about those craters. Photoshop can take care of them."

Doris always made a big impact in the swimwear section of the beauty contest

Arthur maintains a sense of equanimity not matter what the world situation. Mind you, the Botox helps.

'We've decided to skip the swimsuit competition on account of how disgusting we all look.'

"We've really come up with something, but nine other labs also came up with it this week."

"In hindsight yeah, I wish I would have never gone under the knife."

"Oh, come on! At least tell me I'm in the top fifty fairest people in the land!"

Man with each foot on a set of scales.

Cut & blow dry.

'Do you think this dress does enough to point out my bust?'

The Misinformed Pageant - "The capital of Mexico is Mexico town..." "The duck is the largest flightless bird..." "Consuming buttered scones can lead to pregnancy."

"Either she's had a lot of Botox, or her face is buffering."

"I don't care if they are fake. I like 'em."

'Spread it on, lick it off.'

The vain but realistic queen

'I'd like a facelift for the woman next door!'

'In the talent category, Miss District of Columbia will shred paper.'