Barkside Chef Gifts

'What! No garnish or side salad?'

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

'See? You call my look 'a midlife crisis' but for these guys it's a major TV series.'

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

Finally there is the right product for real men!"

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

How I met your mother

"Do we really need the interactive garbage disposer?"

"Albert is the first whistler to use hearing aid feedback as an intro to one of his tunes."

"Well, he's a celebrity chef and the celebreties love his cooking."

Skyscraper Chef's Hat.

Chef's Specials - Hissy Fits, Shouting and Swearing, Pompus Indigestion.

Woman reads Nigella Lawson cook book: 'Add butter to the mixture, remembering to moisten your lips ... whisk for three to four minutes, pouting throughout ...'

'And since this product consists of 100% artificial ingredients, we can truthfully say it's vegan!'

"When Picasso was hungry he would swap a painting for a meal. Times change. I am a celebrity chef..."

'Nobody does curses like Gordon Ramsay.'

'Celeb Foods: Damien Hurst's voles in brine.'

"I told the cook I would prefer that she use some kind of artificial blackbird substitute."

Stand back - while I whip something up

"It's not he worst meal I've ever eaten, that was your dinner yesterday."

'I don't know if we should stay there, dear. That kennel only got two stars.'

"You've actually done something even Gordon Ramsay can't do-burn the salad!"

"It's still stew but the celebrity chef wants to call it a deconstructed steak and ale pie with a dusting of salt in a brown sauce coulis."

"Are you sure its supposed to look like that?"

'And stir to a smooth consistency.'

Emeril Lagasse

'Sorry, viewers, I was going to show you one I made earlier but it's been scoffed by the second assistant sound engineer.'

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app

Master Chef

We get so much produce from our farm share, I can't decide what to cook. Use everything! How about a stew with squash, peppers and corn in a zesty tomato base? Would your kids even put it on their plates? Of course! As long as it didn't touch the mac 'n' cheese.

"Apparently we're reared by people who share the values of the people who eat us."

Nigella Lawson

Restaurant scene; diners are shown kneeling in reverence at their tables.

"I'd rather be seared by Emeril than sauteed by Rachel."