Barkside Chef T-Shirts

'What! No garnish or side salad?'

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

'See? You call my look 'a midlife crisis' but for these guys it's a major TV series.'

Finally there is the right product for real men!"

"Albert is the first whistler to use hearing aid feedback as an intro to one of his tunes."

"Do we really need the interactive garbage disposer?"

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

How I met your mother

"Well, he's a celebrity chef and the celebreties love his cooking."

Skyscraper Chef's Hat.

Chef's Specials - Hissy Fits, Shouting and Swearing, Pompus Indigestion.

'And since this product consists of 100% artificial ingredients, we can truthfully say it's vegan!'

'Nobody does curses like Gordon Ramsay.'

"I told the cook I would prefer that she use some kind of artificial blackbird substitute."

'Celeb Foods: Damien Hurst's voles in brine.'

"When Picasso was hungry he would swap a painting for a meal. Times change. I am a celebrity chef..."

Stand back - while I whip something up

'I don't know if we should stay there, dear. That kennel only got two stars.'

"It's not he worst meal I've ever eaten, that was your dinner yesterday."

'Sorry, viewers, I was going to show you one I made earlier but it's been scoffed by the second assistant sound engineer.'

'And stir to a smooth consistency.'

"You've actually done something even Gordon Ramsay can't do-burn the salad!"

"It's still stew but the celebrity chef wants to call it a deconstructed steak and ale pie with a dusting of salt in a brown sauce coulis."

Restaurant scene; diners are shown kneeling in reverence at their tables.

Sweary Chef - A bad tempered chef swears at the fish he is about to prepare and the fish swears back.

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

Master Chef

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app

"Apparently we're reared by people who share the values of the people who eat us."

"After going vegan, replacing all the animal heads just made sense."