Barbershop Regular Gifts

"You're doing too much, Mort." "I don't know what you mean." "Optimum scruffiness is a delicate balance. One cannot have both wild hair and a wild mustache. It must be one or the other." "What about Einstein? He was behaired all over the place." "The only exceptions are for hobos, bikers and the big-brained." "I rode my Huffy here, does that count?"

"Well sir. . . you could have a crew cut, flat top, a stiff quiff, a hi-top fade. . . "

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Rump roast?"

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Waiter, there's a weapon of mass destruction in my soup!"

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

'Men order. . . women shop.'

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

"And would you like flies with that?"

"We have; pulled pork, enticed chicken, persuaded lamb, bullied beef, cajoled Turkey..."

I wish I'd had the review.

'The beef has been genetically modified to make it taste like a more expensive cut.'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

Don't go out in the rain without an umbrella....was probably not 'his idea' of a tip, dear!'

Prawn Cocktail Please

Drunk Barber

"This controls the speed, this opens the door and if you press the red button a maintenance man appears and gives you a very large bill"

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'

'We're not at home, Stu. You can't just order 'I don't care'.'

Al's Diner. Special: Spaghetti. All You Can Eat $3.95. Ernie, don't play with your food unless you're sure you can win.