Bar Jester Gifts

'That's her second pitcher and she doesn't even like beer - I guess she just likes to pee.'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'Look -- I'm willing to forget about all this if you are.'

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

"Not guilty but prepared to settle out of court, your honour."

"Unless one is a humorist, Haskins. One should avoid attempts at humor."

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

'WELL, that certainly was a frank discussion! Shall we proceed to the inevitable apologies, retractions and clarifications?'

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"#notguilty."

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

Yawning barristers in court

Bad Interview Technique

A baby in court

'I couldn't help noticing that nobody swore YOU in!'

"Dave here, is a lawyer. But don't be too impressed, he only specialises in petty crime."

'Don't worry boss, it's probably archaic!'

"The incessant chatter was driving me crackers, so I got him his own twitter account."

'He started it!'

'My client has required the services of countless law enforcement, court, penal and probation personnel. He's not a menace...he's a jobs creator!'

'He's all eyes!'

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

Sub Post Office/Sub-Justice

"'Ignorance of the law is no excuse.' Golly! I never heard that one! Did you ever hear that one?"

"I got probation."

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

"Once again, I simply don't recall."