Bar Discussions Gifts

The bipartisan election cycle: 'Every 2 years without fail, I perform my patriotic duty and vote the bums out.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

"My world is Tribeca, lars, and yours is a different world."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

'The divorce was ugly, but not as ugly as the marriage.'

'Tell me about it, buddy... I completely understand where you're coming from.'

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

"Mister, I don't know if the glass is half full or half empty. It's 12 dollars."

The Uber Wedding Planner: 'Ok, we're almost there...we just need a clarification on the whether the 'till death do us part' clause is meant literally or figuratively.'

"Have you ever known anyone famous?" "I have." "I've always been great friends with Randy 'The Rock' Taylor." "What? That's you." "Carry yourself like everyone knows you, and everyone you meet will feel like they should know you." "Hey, you all over there! You know me!" "You don't carry things with your mouth."

'The way I got it doped out, post-modern man is all context and fragment.'

'How did it go?' 'We had an exchange of views...I went in with my views and came out with hers!'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Them's fightin' tweets!'

"Barkeep, gimme a shot of your finest whiskey." "Not so fast there, partner." "Oh, sorry. A... sh... ot... of... yo... ur... fin... est... whis... key...."

'This HS2 brief is the kind of work I live for!'

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

"But can you afford two tickets to Africa?"

"And another thing. When they start telling you 'You've still got it,' you don't."

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

I tripped just now over by your bathroom. If I took this to court, I could get six figures. But I'll settle out of court for a lifetime supply of free coffee and donuts. We just had a huge earthquake. If you fell, it was probably because of that. You guys failed to think ahead and put in bouncy floors. Get out.

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

"I'm suing you for false advertising."

"Interesting. Have your lawyer call my lawyer."

'Son, I want to talk to you about the birds, the bees, and the attorney client privilege.'

"Life's what happens while you're busy quoting other people."

"Say, where's the hogwash?"

"Wine improves with age."

"My wife is a doctor. That's great because I can endure the TV news only under general anesthesia."

"I put an olive in my beer and turn it into a health drink."

'I had hoped to keep the lawyers out of this.'

"When he said he wanted to make America great again, I didn't know he meant 'grate', like the sound of fingernails scraping down a blackboard."

Oh quit chasing your fifteen minutes of fame, you spend thousands of hours under surveillance cameras.

"My wife's an angel."