Banking Industry Insider Gifts

'This isn't so bad. The last bank I worked in got held up so often I developed repetitive motion disorder.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

You can breed these if the environment is right.

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

'I'm afraid that the top investment banks are looking for more from job applicants than a 'Top Degree from the University of Hard Knocks'.'

"I rob from the poor and give to the rich."

'What I call a miracle drug is one that doesn't start a government investigation.'

Supermarket Merge

"Son, you're old enough now to learn about something we call 'compliance'...."

'Our ratings are down. Let's blame it on the media.'

"I feel that what would really give your next album a major boost would be some kind of well-publicized personal problem."

"I got another callback. My agent says it's between me and the guy who's going to get it."

"Will you two stop giggling every time I say 'assets'?"

'The global economy supplies basic tools. A lot of us get the axe.'

"Facebook VP — you'll be in Circle No. 4."

'These are our projected profits as capitalism self-destructs.'

"My lawyer doesn't trust my agent who doesn't trust the director who doesn't trust the screenwriter who doesn't trust me. All perfectly normal."

"We can't all work for Goldman Sachs."

'The music business.'

"You have reached our 800 number. . . . If you are a preferred account, please dial B-I-G-S-H-O-T now. . . . If you are an ordinary account, dial J-O-E-B-L-O-W now. . . . If you have a service complaint, dial G-E-T-L-O-S-T now."

"When I was young, music and lyrics were important! Now it's all about production...it's all jiggly butts, smoke, sexy clothes and crazy videos!"

"Great work on the annual report, John. It's fact-driven, yet delightfully unencumbered by reality!"

The Unbearableness of Being Inanimate

'We've decided to call off our go-slow.'

"Surprisingly, it's not in reverse order."

Man about executive: 'Success went to his head. There was plenty of room there.'

'I'm sorry, but your surgery is considered to be experimental, so it's not covered by your insurance.'

"You know how to whistle don't you Steve, you just put your lips together and blow. . . but I wouldn't recommend it."

"Manufacturing will take place in China, R&D in Korea, customer support will be run from Mumbai and logistics handled in Vietnam."

Merchant Bankers - Patience is a virtue, anyone displaying it will be dismissed

Eye Bank.

'Acme Meat - meat products, bi-products, and bi-product spinoffs...'

'Would you believe that I lost my job just because the banking regulatory authority said that I'm too greedy??!'

"I guess the German takeover was successful."

Unleashing the dogs of regulation.