Bandwagon Banterer Gifts

"Bono is nice, and Bono cares, but I really dig Barry Manilow."

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

"Stick with me baby, and you'll eat slop every day."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

Sports Fan - Whoever's Winning

"Don’t worry. You’re looking at the Frederick H. Tuttle Middle School long-jump champion."

"Good news, sir – your carry-on has been upgraded to business class."

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

A breakthrough moment for the Wright brothers. How about some wings with that?

Musical Accidents

"This may be the beer, Zoloft, Rogaine, Cialis and Avapro talking ... but I feel weird."

"Sipsies?"

'You've had enough!'

"What I drink and what I tell the pollsters I drink are two different things."

"Yeah, I'm selling my bowling balls. Free delivery to anyone who lives downhill."

CartoonStock Upload"You are an all-round good guy!"

"She's a little overworked but, depending on what happens next Sunday, I'll probably jump back on."

"You mock, sir—you mock a sport storied and beloved. I, sir, pity you."

"I have four stomachs and one of them always seems to be hungry.''

'Hey carrot-breath! You still mad cause we ran you a little today? Hounds gotta make a living too, ya know.'

'Stop me when I start extolling the virtues of socialism.'

Special Euro 2020 Menu: Humble Pie

"I'm hoping that someday I might be reunited with my biological hair."

'So...your Bowel or mine?' / A male tapeworm using a pick-up line on a female tapeworm

'The kids in the barnyard called me a 'turkey'!'

'I still have all my own teeth but my head is false.'

The Forgotten Men's Club

'Quit the act? That's not you, boss--that's the drink talking.'

Global Warming: American BBQ.

"Mine's a metaphor. I don't know what's going on withyou."

"Hmm... I wonder what social media-driven bandwagon I can latch onto today..."

"It's the big guy."

Official Whore Artist/Official Piss Artist

"You're doing it wrong."

"Go on, impress me." "I can talk to animals."