Awry Anecdotes Fan Gifts

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"Good" "Bad" "Work on it" "Keep working - maybe it's not as bad as you think it is" "Put it to a committee" "Give up" "Make it worse" "Make it better" "Still a bad idea" "Overthink it" "Throw yourself into a pit of wild badgers" "Throw it away" "Call it done" "Sigh."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'Amount of white out used while writing, Moby Dick, an issue of The National Enquirer, and 101 Uses for a Dead Cat.'

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

'He refuses to leave without the tree and their son.'

"Who's next?"

Moses unblocking the toilet.

One way only.

"Remember that time I let you steer the boat and we crashed and had to swim here to die? Remember?"

'It's a shame you didn't get to use all those little blue pills before Ted died.'

"It's my helper trout!"

Ship upsidedown in a bottle has rescue boat in bottle next to it.

It was a pretty vicious attack. He's lost a lot of candy.

'Silly me. I thought his 'Catch and Release' bumper sticker referred to his philosophy on trout fishing.'

"It's a narrative I didn't intend."

'Hey! You're not for real, are you man?'

Today I am trying to grow a bit of beard...

Fish swimming in a pint of beer.

'You need some stress.'

". . . so a duck walks into a . . ."

"Bad dog!"

"I've been window-shopping..."

"Has it occurred to you one of us might be a mirage?"

"Well, I finally saw a shrink today."

Franz Kafka does stand-up...

"Phil, could I speak to you for a moment, not as your doctor but as your horse?"

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

"Am I the party of the first part or the party of the second part?"

"How was I supposed to know she was allergic?"

Newton discovers surrealism

"Now that you mention it, I think that I too may have a Master's in Education."