Awkward Turtle Gifts

'Sorry there's no food. We were kind of hoping you'd bring some.'

Speed Dating for Turtles

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

Wonders of Evolution: This species has developed an unusual protective shell.

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

"I'm fascinated by body language."

Vinnie's Repossessions: A Turtle has just had his shell repossessed

"Well, if you didn't do anything in North Korea, then why do they keep launching missiles at us?"

"As you can see, our corporate structure is turtles all the way down."

"Well, I've come this close to asking out Sylvia Sanchez. But I'm just an average guy! Nothing about me says 'I'm cool! Look at me!'"

The Stripper

Well, the doctor said you have to wear it until you stop biting your stitches.

You'll see the food is excellent, but the service is far too slow....

'And I thought I had a big egg to lay.'

Ike and Tina Turtle.

"We haven't danced in ages."

"The doc says I won't even make it another 45 years."

'He won't eat his lettuce until I've washed it five times. I'm sure his OCD is getting worse!'

Tortoise polishing his shell

Sex Education Class: "Smirking or non smirking?"

'You made a complete fool of yourself at the party last night...I just hope no one knows you were sober.'

Tortoises breakdancing

Here is our spot, I sink, Helga.

"Where's my order!? This service is terrible! That stuff will be cold by the time it gets here!! What's the hold-up!?!"

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

A hard green shell on the outside doesn't always mean it's chocolaty on the inside.

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

'Sorry, he can't come out and play. He's grounded.'

Honestly, I don't know why I even bring Harold to parties.

'I'm going to be a little late.'

"And another thing, it's real cool in the summer!"

'Don't worry Darling, they're scientists'

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

"My doctor told me to get more exercise by walking a pet, but he didn't specify it had to be a dog."

"Hey, no kidding! I prefer slow dancing, too!"