Awkward Phase Appreciator Pillows

"Don't you...sometimes get the feeling...that for some reason...we're not like anyone else?"

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

"Amazon's new A.I. just 'gets' me."

'We've got a special this week on nose hairs!'

'I think we took a wrong turn between the seventh and eight holes.'

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

"I speak Latin, you know."

"Oh, oh - it's getting into organic."

"My kid could do that."

"Kiss, you idiot. Not hiss."

Man leaves sperm bank. Woman says: 'Thanks, do come again.'

"Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Don't...."

'Today's unwilling nude model is Ralph.'

Mathematician on the couch.

"And with that being said Polly became dinner." "Polly wanna cracker?" "Polly wanna piece of yo mama's sweet behind." "Oh boy..."

"It's an adjustment being a handshake guy in a fist-bump company."

A cat and a dog are embarrassed to find themselves on an elevator together.

'You found another pigment? Hallelujah! I'm so tired of my blue period?'

"Since no one showed up, I'll keep my remarks brief."

"Be realistic, how can lumps of rock zooming around in space affect our lives down here?"

"I made a big mistake getting into ladies underwear..."

"Recently, Ludwig Mizzledorp came up with some startling discoveries in particle physics. I'd like to sing for you some of his equations."

Colin had heard that women liked honesty in men.

"I really think I can handle this date on my own."

Recession the plus side: embarrassing 'water cooler moments' less frequent.

'No, but next week, the fireworks start in earnest.'

"Sorry, grandpa, but wiggling the antenna won't restore your cable and Internet."

'Yes,I did order an extra barrel,but for my shotgun.'

"If you don't wish to hear the match result look away now."

'Rick, could you take a seat somewhere else, please? For me to be seen with you is damaging to business!'

'The return of the Jehovah's Witnesses'

"Oh, no - this introvert talked to me all night at a party, and I can't remember her name."

'Scant consolation I'm sure, but the medical council have named the syndrome after me.'

'I'm divorcing you...and I want custody of the squids.'

'Gail, my dear, please don't talk about sex - my God this is a restaurant!'