Awkward Date Pillows

"Most women find me too cutthroat."

"I'm sure you're a nice man, but I'm not interested in hearing your plan for a flat tax."

"I rub my body with animal fat and swim around Manhattan."

'This is the last time I'm going fishing with you, Harold!'

"Oh my god. She knows I schist my plants.

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

"How sweet, your hand is trembling."

In Desperate Straits.

'Eloise! Come back! I was just going to show you some of the equipment we use in veterinary school...'

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

"Your profile didn't mention you being a chewer."

'He's narrating it, I just know it.'

"Look, you asked me what my favorite book was and it just happens to be A Farewell to Arms."

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor."

"I guess your reputation for tipping has preceded you!"

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'Huge waves, loose shorts and a body like a gourd. I was never going to make it through summer without a serious privacy breach.'

"Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do."

"Oh, for butter curls on ice!"

'I'm not sure I want to see you again, but just in case, I've backed you up on a flash drive.'

"Tell your date you're a vegetarian before he orders that expensive gourmet dinner."

'When it comes to romance, Sherlock doesn't have a clue!'

"If it's all the same to you, Kevin, I'd like to continue observing the six-foot-rule."

'What happens when your little sister misses her toy money?'

She hated first dates. She always ended up sounding desperate.

"Some people think accountants are just boring number crunchers but statistics show that 43% of 456 people covering 56% of the total demographic were 67% sure that we're really a lot of fun!"

"So this is what we call a 'red flag'..."

The Adventures of Morton

"Only one Valentines card? Still could have been a lot worse!"

Nethead strip: Dates

'You two will have lots in common - you share the same anxiety neurosis.'

'I had a wonderful evening, Oswald but this wasn't it,I'm afraid!'

"Your eyes are like limpid pools. Allergies hitting you pretty bad, huh?"

"Well, I guess if breathing through your mouth has kept you alive this far..."

'When I said in my on-line profile that I was athletic, I meant that I like watching sports!'