Awkward Conversationalist Gifts

"I'm not used to communicating face-to-face. Can we conduct this interview via text?"

'It's not you it's me not liking you.'

A shy parish cleric seeking to talk business with a lady

'Nice of you to ask. My bronchitis is acting up, I have a collapsed lung, my acid-reflux is terrible, I have a heart murmur...'

What price beauty?

Send. End.

"Does this mean I have to talk to someone I don't know?"

I never know what to do with my hands at a party. Thank goodness this isn't a party.

'How can you possibly be busy washing your hair for the rest of your life???'

'I'm afraid I'm not very good at small talk!'

Their first date was a complete disaster. He was lousy at talking about emotions and she was hopeless when they talked about sport.

'Hi, didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?'

"I'm beginning to think this niche networking isn't getting us anywhere."

Speech bubble escaping

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

Very Difficult Conversations

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Is it just me, right, is it just me ...?"

"Tell me about yourself. Any weird genes or anything?"

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'

You mixed your DNA with that of a carrot? I've created a giant loud-mouthed left-leaning vegetable. Some would say that's redundant. Very funny. It's worse that that. The carrot doesn't share just my politics … You smell beautiful, like ranch dressing on a spring day. I do like a tall vegetable.