Award Culture Gifts

'Better hide this...'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

'And this year's 'Inquisitive Learner Award' goes to...'

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

'I got this one for thinking outside the box.'

Movie Awards. Winner. It's been a big night for Ernie! He won three times at the movie-set caterer awards! On one set he made a healthy, refreshing beverage that received rave reviews from the cast and crew. He won the "best pitcher" award for it. Did they say he won for best costumes? No, his dressings won. His sticky buns won also. For "best leading roll" performance, right? No, for best "cinnamontography"!

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Win - win

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

'Guess what? I won again.'

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

'My hot-shot assistant was named as one of the top 10 to watch."

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

Gymnasts falling off the winners pedestal.

'She deserves it since she's raised our three kids with me overseas.'

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

Soccer coach of the year.

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

'And now I'd like to name this month's recipient of the Dumbest Global E-mail Award...'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

"This year the endowed chair will go to whomever pulls the sword from the stone."

On the cusp of winning the Nobel, Bernie gets exposed by his third grade handwriting teacher.

'Wow! Oh, wait -- It's only a Nobel consolation prize.'

"I would like to thank all the big and little and in between people."

And this one i got for properly polishing my medals.

May I have the envelope, please?

'We're looking for an award-winning sales professional. Those are trophies. You're overqualified.'

"I'd like to thank my family, but, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I could've done it without them."

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

'...well you say you're Stephen Hawking but as Eddie Redmayne said he was going to turn up in character we're not too sure."

"Are you sure he tested negative?"