Avian Humorist Gifts

"I'm the bluebird of low expectations."

'So many potential customers... unfortunately, they're not credit-worthy.'

"You've got to lose some weight!"

"Stop, you idiot! Can't you read?!"

'Boy, watch out for that pursestring suture!'

So you're a mocking bird...

Birds reading over woman's shoulder

"Sorry, you're only allowed one carrion."

'Flight simulator'

Press Any Key. No, Not That One.

Santa knows he has to be more careful. One more accident due to pilot error, and the FAA would take away his pilot's license for good.

"Word has it Earthlings have been using some of our people for cruel scientific experiments."

'The best part is being able to fly without taking off your shoes.'

'The first day on the job was not going well for Al...'

"RAF Recruitment Waiting Room."

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

Cow Pilot.

'My husband, Bill, works at the airport - I still haven't opened my birthday presents from three years ago.'

Man trying to take pictures of wild birds at feeder.

"There is no air conditioning in the luggage compartment so stand up straight and stop licking your nose!"

'Here comes the in-flight meal.'

"He does impressions too!"

'Captain, a passenger says there's a gremlin out on the wing of the plane.'

'Catching lunch again Steward?'

I'm not saying he's dumb, but talking to him is like talking to a firewall.

"I've never trusted cows."

"I always end up next to the weirdo!"

"In the event of a water landing, your seat cushions may be used as flotation devices. And, your tray tables may be used to bash sharks."

"A sad incident at LaGuardia Airport today as a depressed 757 landed and burst into tears."

'For a little extra we can allocate you a seat inside the aircraft.'

Airport Security. Sir, one of your tubs is empty. That one's got my dignity!

Baggage Reclaim

' ... and that's a policy giving you flight insurance covering mid-air bankruptcies.'

"You boys might as well dig in - this could smolder for days."

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'