Aura Readings Gifts

"You have a really weird energy."

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

"It seems my fear of death has been replaced by my fear of politics."

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

ACME INDUSTRIES NEW PRODUCTS DIVISION, 'The best part is, it can repossess itself!'

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

"Why bother?"

"I'm curious about your dependent children, Scamp, Flop, and Spunky."

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

Don't worry, I see babies, lots of babies...

65 Million Years Ago

In and Out Tray

'Plimbco Bank &Trust, Old Money Division.'

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'You have to reconcile your gross habits with your net income.'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Just remember if we don't enjoy it we can claim it as a tax-deductible business meeting..."

Emergency numbers on a telephone.

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

Stock market investment advice

'I think I must be ambidextrous. I can calculate interest with both sides of my brain.'

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."