Auditioning For A Talent Show Gifts

X Factor contestant dressed as a 'Y'.

'They all want to play the star.'

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition

"Which part are you reading for?"

'I was up for a part in the Producers...'

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'They're only interested in computer generated mammoths.' (Theatrical Agent).

Presenter Auditions.

"If you want to sing in our band, you'll have to overcome your fear of using double negatives."

"Sorry, I meant to say "good luck", not "break a leg"..."

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

The Drummer

THEATRICAL AGENCY, 'We have an opening to do some commercials - How'd you like to be the LEAST interesting man in the world?'

"Sorry, dude. . . but you just don't fit into our group!"

"Well, you're certainly on our short list."

"You've been offered a role as a husband who's been married for thirty years."

Ventriloquist Audition

Casting Director

"I got another callback. My agent says it's between me and the guy who's going to get it."

I'm trying out for the spring play. You'll be great! Ha! You'll be grateful to be an usher, Meryl Creep. Yeah. The good parts go to real actors. Sigh. The arts are sooo uplifting.

Trump commissions song

"Lenders are a lot more cautious about 'interest free' mortgages these days. "

Ballet Audition. I think I've just witnessed the pollution of Swan Lake.

"Remember, you're a 17-year old fashion model. Now go out and act like you've never acted before."

'He can't speak to the dead, but he can speak to the dead.'

"This isn't his audition...he's telling us about being an actor."

"This is a blind audition, right?"

'Congratulations. All but one of you has been short listed.'

She's a natural.

"I'm a TV producer. I can get you on one of those fake judge programs, and you'll both become famous."

"This could be fun! Don't you do magic tricks, Cruz?"

'To be honest Mr Gregson, I've seen better escapologists, goodnight.'

'What have I told you about laughing on purpose, Mother?'