Audition Gifts

"Well, you're certainly on our short list."

"I've got an audition today. Have you seen my diaphragm?"

"And now I have a few trick questions."

"Try to smile a bit louder."

"Dad, it's only a surveillance camera."

"Sorry, dude. . . but you just don't fit into our group!"

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

'They all want to play the star.'

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition

"Which part are you reading for?"

'I was up for a part in the Producers...'

I can't wait 'til her tryouts for "Cats" are over.

Presenter Auditions.

"Sorry, I meant to say "good luck", not "break a leg"..."

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'They're only interested in computer generated mammoths.' (Theatrical Agent).

"If you want to sing in our band, you'll have to overcome your fear of using double negatives."

"Bob, you're just not selling me on you essential hamburgerness."

THEATRICAL AGENCY, 'We have an opening to do some commercials - How'd you like to be the LEAST interesting man in the world?'

X Factor contestant dressed as a 'Y'.

"You've been offered a role as a husband who's been married for thirty years."

Ventriloquist Audition

Casting Director

Ballet Audition. I think I've just witnessed the pollution of Swan Lake.

I'm trying out for the spring play. You'll be great! Ha! You'll be grateful to be an usher, Meryl Creep. Yeah. The good parts go to real actors. Sigh. The arts are sooo uplifting.

"A P.R. Intern Named Salome with the Head Shot of John the Client."

"I got another callback. My agent says it's between me and the guy who's going to get it."

'To be honest Mr Gregson, I've seen better escapologists, goodnight.'

She's a natural.

"Sorry Mr. Gross, Mr. DeVries, but the firm has decided to go with the earthy, down-home fingerpicking of Ms. Aimee Parker-Grossman."

'Congratulations. All but one of you has been short listed.'

'So, did I get the job?'

"Quiet? I'd even read for the understudy part for someone who is between engagements."