Astrology Fan Gifts

'Capricorns have all the luck.'

'I told you I refuse to be born today. I don't want to be Aries.'

'Your horoscope says you're going to have a nasty accident today.'

Documentation Please

"Listen to my horoscope in this issue of 'Wig and Weaves'. . ."

'I'm a Pisces.'

'I'll have a lottery ticket, a diet chocolate bar, an astrology magazine, and a voters' guide.'

"My horoscope said to rest on the afternoon!"

"Can you wait just a minute while I check my latest horoscope?"

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

"What the... mine are lunar eclipse glasses!"

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

"The Chinese Zodiac told me to marry a sheep. Who am I to question hundreds of years of ancient Chinese wisdom?"

Planting by the Moon.

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

'Warning: Use of oversized apertures or antennas will void warranty,'

Roy, if you can hear me, the Mets are twenty games over .500 and they have a good shot at clinching the N. L. East."

'Horoscope, stay indoors and keep your mouth shut.' 'So, no dentist.'

'We're an equal opportunity employer and we do not discriminate against sex, race, religion, age, or astrological sign.'

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, when Jupiter is in his 6th house or Saturn is in his 2nd, until death do you part?"

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'

Nostradamus.

'Fortune telling/retirement planning'

The Inner Dog.

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

"So, what is your star sign?"

"We're not compatible. I'm a Virgo and your an idiot..."

Uranus always gets a bad rap. Tap tap tap tap tap. What do you mean, dorkboy? I mean, no matter how mature people think they are, they always, always want to chuckle when they say "Uranus." Come on, Sadie. You know you want to smirk, even if it's in secret. What if I told you Uranus is slightly bigger than Neptune? Not chuckling! Uranus is always the butt of the joke.

You will awake to discover a dream come true.

Monster Horrorscopes

'You're a water sign and I'm an earth sign. . .Together we're mud.'