Astrology Aficionados Gifts

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'I'll need to run a few tests and find out what your horoscope says.'

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

"What the... mine are lunar eclipse glasses!"

Emergency numbers on a telephone.

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

"I'm not sure you'll want to know this."

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

The Big Tipper

"The Chinese Zodiac told me to marry a sheep. Who am I to question hundreds of years of ancient Chinese wisdom?"

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

"This connect the dots is taking FOREVER!"

Planting by the Moon.

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

"It's nowhere near as far away as we thought!"

'Warning: Use of oversized apertures or antennas will void warranty,'

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

'Horoscope, stay indoors and keep your mouth shut.' 'So, no dentist.'

"I don't like space."

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

Roy, if you can hear me, the Mets are twenty games over .500 and they have a good shot at clinching the N. L. East."

'We're an equal opportunity employer and we do not discriminate against sex, race, religion, age, or astrological sign.'

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, when Jupiter is in his 6th house or Saturn is in his 2nd, until death do you part?"

"Hurray! I discovered a new planet!"

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

Cosmonaughty

'Johannes Kepler's uphill batle'

"Your moon is in the House of Pancakes."

'My horoscope says I'm due for a surprise today.'

"Gas, is it the future?"

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'