Astrological Charting Gifts

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

"Good" "Bad" "Work on it" "Keep working - maybe it's not as bad as you think it is" "Put it to a committee" "Give up" "Make it worse" "Make it better" "Still a bad idea" "Overthink it" "Throw yourself into a pit of wild badgers" "Throw it away" "Call it done" "Sigh."

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

65 Million Years Ago

Don't worry, I see babies, lots of babies...

Emergency numbers on a telephone.

"I'm not sure you'll want to know this."

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

'As far as clock watching goes, you take the biscuit.'

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

The Big Tipper

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

Planting by the Moon.

"The Chinese Zodiac told me to marry a sheep. Who am I to question hundreds of years of ancient Chinese wisdom?"

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

'Horoscope, stay indoors and keep your mouth shut.' 'So, no dentist.'

"I don't like space."

Sales Chart: Boomerangs LTD

"We found three sort-of Earthlike planets around a nearby star." "Do you think any of them have video games?" "I've been trying to work out the odds of an intelligent species arising and evolving thumbs capable of holding an X-box controller." "Proof of video games would change everything." "I wonder what the aliens on those planets consider sexy." "Living beings creating simulated beings they can smash is the hallmark of an intelligent species."

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

Roy, if you can hear me, the Mets are twenty games over .500 and they have a good shot at clinching the N. L. East."

"I must say, that was a very detailed answer to my 'where do you see yourself in five years' question."

'We're an equal opportunity employer and we do not discriminate against sex, race, religion, age, or astrological sign.'

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, when Jupiter is in his 6th house or Saturn is in his 2nd, until death do you part?"

Your climb up the company ladder starts now.

'No kidding! I'm a Leo too!'

Cosmonaughty