Associate Pastor Gifts

"He's highly qualified to be our new associate pastor but he wants all weekends and holidays off - the same days I want off."

"I just don't feel like you value my role as associate pastor."

"Yes. I said 2 by 2, but you needed to use 2 by 4s for the Ark...begin again."

"Staff support"

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

Church leader at desk has 3 boxes marked 'Black', 'White' and 'Gray Area'.

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

'...We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause..."

"And for my next trick. . . turning wine back into water."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Ghostwriting the Bible

God Sneezes Out Creation

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

"Wait 'til my Dad hears about this!"

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

'Who's this 'Art in Heaven' guy you keep talking about?'

'The Lord spake to Moses? You mean voice mail?'

Fishing with God

Early Piety

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"All we have left is standing room only."

"It's cool – God told us to!"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

Church Library - Pop-Up Books

TSA Noah