Art Restorer Gifts

'Honestly, I think I may have cleaned it a little too well.'

'It was restored just last year, and changed from an abstract painting to a landscape.'

The Death of Chatterton - After Restoration

'I prefer the restoration.'

'You can tell it's good by the way the tonsils follow you around the room.'

You know, I wish I had never found the arms!

Art Restoration

Museum. It's great we got this job moving statues here at the museum. CRASH! That was no time to make a joke about a "piece of art."

Man defaces a painting to make it fit above his fireplace.

Turner Prize - Art Restoration

Painter retouching painting

'Great to see the ol' museum is finally getting a face-lift.' An old building getting a medical face-lift

'Are you sure this is authentic ancient Indian art?'

Cleaner cleaning up the paintings in a gallery.

Museum dilemma: X-rays real a Leonardo under a Rembrandt.

Turin Shroud...

Larry's used art

'It's called 'Oh Bugger It!' if you must know!'

"I think he was a celebrity."

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

Misunderstood artist

'I highly recommend this painting if you're interested in art as an investment.'

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

Curators at the Louvre Museum would regret approving the installation of a work on a wall behind the Mona Lisa.

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'Today, the dollar gained against the euro, pound, yen, yuan, the Picasso, Degas, and the Warhol.'

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

"It may well be a hugely significant example of early 18th century Flemish art...but as head of merchandising I have to ask 'What would it look like on a fridge magnet?'"

"It's called 'Sold'."

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

Fumes from furniture

'Anti-Graffito' worker about to erase hieroglyphics.

Inventor of the Tudor spirit-level

"My two-year-old actually did paint that."