Area 51 T-Shirts

"We can't ask his citizenship or where he comes from. He'll sue our faces off."

"My political platform focuses on more ice cream and more frisbee chasing, with less chores and fewer baths."

Wifi in Hell

'I really crammed last night.'

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

“It's $195 million. Now, I know what you're thinking: 'OK, what's the catch?'”

National Academy of Sport

'I chose my field on what would put the most impressive initials after my name.'

An alien tries to hitch a lift at the side of the road

"Are you happy with your current ball?"

'The bad news is you failed all your courses. The good news is you passed the urine test.'

The Giamatti era

"We've convened this meeting today to admire the ball, and we will probably do the same thing again tomorrow."

Teacher boxing book: 'As I told you, today we're gonna really hit the books!'

Baseball players and their qualifications.

'English homework leaves a pleasant after taste. History takes like fast food. But math is a real bummer on my digestive tract.'

"He's always been an optimist."

'You can never be too fit or too tenured.'

"You invited the Wilsons over? This forest is a mess!!"

When dogs appear to be deep in thought.

"Hi honey! How was Roswell?"

"Actually I'm doing this to stand out more in the scholarly community."

'Make appointments for all the people I don't like using the Mayan calendar.'

'I don't know why you waste your time with that watering can. The hose is much quicker.'

"Pleased to meet you neighbour! I'm the first wave of gentrification."

'This is a meaningful relationship, the sex means a lot to me.'

Tip responsibly

Manhattan Cat atop the Chrysler Building

'Fancy a spot of work after drinks?'

I remember your lousy tip. Enjoy MY trickle-down theory.'

"You can have my doggie bag as a tip."

"I've been learning how to fly hot-air balloons!"

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

Harry, I've just had a tip!

Landscape Painter