Area 51 Pillows

"My political platform focuses on more ice cream and more frisbee chasing, with less chores and fewer baths."

'I really crammed last night.'

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

“It's $195 million. Now, I know what you're thinking: 'OK, what's the catch?'”

National Academy of Sport

'I chose my field on what would put the most impressive initials after my name.'

An alien tries to hitch a lift at the side of the road

"Are you happy with your current ball?"

'The bad news is you failed all your courses. The good news is you passed the urine test.'

"We've convened this meeting today to admire the ball, and we will probably do the same thing again tomorrow."

The Giamatti era

Teacher boxing book: 'As I told you, today we're gonna really hit the books!'

Baseball players and their qualifications.

'English homework leaves a pleasant after taste. History takes like fast food. But math is a real bummer on my digestive tract.'

"He's always been an optimist."

'You can never be too fit or too tenured.'

"You invited the Wilsons over? This forest is a mess!!"

When dogs appear to be deep in thought.

"Hi honey! How was Roswell?"

'Make appointments for all the people I don't like using the Mayan calendar.'

"Actually I'm doing this to stand out more in the scholarly community."

'I don't know why you waste your time with that watering can. The hose is much quicker.'

Tip responsibly

'This is a meaningful relationship, the sex means a lot to me.'

"Pleased to meet you neighbour! I'm the first wave of gentrification."

Manhattan Cat atop the Chrysler Building

'Fancy a spot of work after drinks?'

I remember your lousy tip. Enjoy MY trickle-down theory.'

"You can have my doggie bag as a tip."

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

"I've been learning how to fly hot-air balloons!"

Landscape Painter

'I get a lot of chit-chat type email gossip and I love to spread it around with a cellphone!'

Harry, I've just had a tip!