Approaching Marriage Gifts

Pre-nuptal Agreement.

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'Now I kinda wish we had planned a bigger wedding.'

Wedding Day Itinerary.

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"As this is a civil ceremony, I'd rather you took the vows without swearing."

'She sounds like your mother when you told her that you were going to marry me.'

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

'I always cry at weddings!'

"Dave, could you hold on a sec while I take care of some personal business?"

"Well, he promised you the moon and stars."

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

"I traded his corncob pipe and his button nose for a buttoned lip, and things couldn't be better."

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"And another thing: What's that strange clicking thing you do with your beak?"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"I want to get married and start a family with you—although God knows who I'll want to finish it with."

...My feng shui would be incompatible with your sumo wrestling.

"I met my first husband at Bloomingdale's and my second husband at Banana Republic."

'It comes with three settings. Single, Married, and Children.'

"Look - I'm cold, you're cold. Why don't we settle down and start a family?"

'Sorry, but we're not compatible, Jim. You keep a diary, and I blog on the Internet.'

"You may be in love, but can you support my daughter on what a herring makes?"

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Is man a social animal? - 'As a married man, the short answer is no.'

'Sorry, but my car is a hybrid and I wouldn't accept anything less in a husband.'

"Sorry I'm late. I had to get a tattoo removed"

"She's really nice and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so here we are."

"Who should we have at eye level this month?"

"I do like you, Peter, but interfacing is a very serious step."

Will you be mine?

'If anybody here knows why these two should not be wed...'

I know it seems a bit misplaced, but it does pay all the wedding expenses !'