Anniversary Of A Comedy Club Gifts

Custer's Last Stand-Up

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

"You two seem oddly suited."

'Do you know the way to San Jose without breaking into a Bacharach number?'

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"Would you like to try them out?"

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

Hypnotoon

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

Death Beggar

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

Bob Odenkirk

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

Monet At Open Mic Night

The chefs were helping local actors who were tired of having short roles... by giving them a long loaf!

"It's not you. It's pea."

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'

"Stand-up comedy." "On-your-knees-with-gas-pain comedy." "Please, God, make it stop..."

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'

"I want to report a race crime.'