Animal Comedian Gifts

"Sometimes I get a craving for sushi."

'There I've saved your life with the Heimlich manoeuvre. Don't ask me why.'

'I can tell you one thing, Madam. These ears have been neglected...

"I'll share the house with you assuming you prefer to be outdoors."

Fish swimming in a pint of beer.

'Those strings are made out of WHAT?'

'I see London, I see France, I see your big distended scald-red ass.'

Cats Vs Dogs

"You're right, you DO smell like a wiener!"

'Stop me if you've heard this one before.'

"Our food bowls have been sullied! Our kitty litter trays trashed! Gentlemen, ladies...so beings our War on Terrier!"

"Hi! Is that it? I didn't pay fifty quid for Hi!"

A dog goes into a woman's shopping at a bus stop.

'Maybe I'd feel better if I had a facelift.'

'He swallowed the refrigerator magnets.'

"Don't worry, he won't bother you! Yes, he has a can of bear-spray, but he can see I have a gas-mask..."

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

'Im going to invest all your pension money in cat nip!'

'How come you never bring meatballs?'

"I can't wait to see the look on their faces."

'They can't fool me, I know when they hide medicine in my food: I have an acute sense of smell!'

'No zebras as yet, but we have had two school kids and a lollypop lady!'

"The party was a total surprise! Everybody jumped out and screamed 'Happy Birthday' just as I was licking my balls!"

"What the? Why are they yelling "cat fight"? It's two girls fighting..."

"Can I barrow your pen?"

Poor thing has restless egg syndrome.

"Did you just tweet?"

"Okay, okay - next time I'll spring the trap and you grab the cheese."

"The human is back - act normal."

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

Knock on the door - dog stands up and shouts 'Beat it!'

"No no, I said sit!!"

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

'I wonder if they have any water filters?'

Dog Hunting Trophies.