Angelic Jokester Gifts

"I'll pass on reincarnation. I'm glad that I don't live in the age of Trump!"

"My obit."

Saint Peter will sometimes put on a disguise just to play a prank on the new arrivals.

'You've been stealing again, haven't you?'

'The flight controllers are on strike...'

Heaven Self-Checkout

"Wait, there you are. I was spelling it wrong."

'T.M.I.F.'

'No! No more harps! I can't take it anymore.'

Clown God

"You're kidding! You count S.A.T.s?"

"Your mom needs to know that you made it here OK, and your dad wants to know if you could use a few bucks."

I know time is an earthly construct, but I still feel sleepy in the afternoons.

"Sorry, we first have to do a background check."

'And on June 30th of that same year, you used The Bible as a coaster?'

An amplified harp

"You think it's tough down there?"

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

'I didn't expect to have remote controls here.'

"It's your final warning...Quit playing the 'Beverly Hillbillies' theme song"

"At the time I thought it was a goose."

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"We use the proceeds to help offset the cost of your eternal salvation."

'I would have been here sooner, if not for a wonderful, caring, competent doctor.'

"I haven't changed my facebook status."

'How nice! -- They're making a ten-part miniseries about the Bible!'

"Relax, I grade on the curve."

'One nice thing about this, it has overcome my fear of height.'

"So much for eternal rest."

"Say what you like about Hell, at least they have solid floors."

Mama Z'Belle...astrologer...your fortune based on the science of astronomy: 'Oh, oh it looks like your chart has shifted red...'

"But you're paper trained and we don't have any newspapers or newspaper people."

"But don't bother making up a schedule for all those projects. I've got all the time in the world now."

"The only problem with Heaven is there's nowhere to hang stuff."

Late Night TV