Amusement Enthusiast Gifts

Fist Bumper Cars

Face painting vs bottom painting

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

"Remember, pregnancy is like taking an exciting thrill ride at an amusement park only the seats are larger."

'I'd explain how the TV, VCR, DVD, surround sound home entertainment system works...but I don't know.'

Duke of Clarence (Later William IV) Promenading with Family

"Even if forced to slave all day, in my mind I'll always play!"

"It's crazy here! They're all on recreational rugs."

Job Vacancy: Human cannonball. Applicants must of the right calibre

Reese Witherspoon

End the Winter Blues

You must be this tall.

'Would you like you steak WITH or WITHOUT a capella?'

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

Hairy men taking advantage of the laser tag/laser hair removal combo package.

"Maybe you set it up wrong."

"...then finally, I got serious and started a band."

Showing off the good china 3-7 pm.

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

"Forget the harps, we can spend Eternity in there."

Wet Cement. Always the joker, aren't you, Ernie?

"We can stop entertaining ourselves now, Ian."

Happy Retirement

'Looks like everyone has FINALLY gone home.'

'What's the big thrill about Budgie Jumping!?'

'It's nice, but I wish we could get more than one channel.'

John Barth wrote "Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story." That he did, little buddy. But what if a person spends most of his life watching tv, films, Youtube, Instagram, Facebook, etc? What if my -- I mean, this person's -- life story is watching other people's life stories? Does that make other people the hero of this person's story? Sometimes I don't know where I end and Kanye begins. That'd be somewhere around Kim Kardashian.

'Another balloon animal? And who do you think ends up taking care of these?'

Maps to the homes of guys with friends who know some of the limo drivers of the personal trainers of the stars.

Starvation Watching

'Who ever came up with the idea that throwing up is fun?'

Frank's bar & grill & jukebox & pool table & chairs & bathroom & mechanical bull & tables & karaoke machine & drinking fountain & lamps & fire extinguisher & doors & floors...

'...Please stop the...'

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

'Just remember, he's bigger, but you're funnier. As soon as he starts laughing, you've got him!'